Letting God Love Me

 There continue to be no words that describe how absolutely insane this year has been.  One day maybe I will try, but for now, it's too raw in some ways, still unprocessed in others.  This continues to be the case.  We began this year with just so much 'hard' going on, God brought so much to light, and then like a week later we found out we would be in California for 9-12 mos.  Three weeks later we were living in an extended stay hotel in Azusa, CA.  Seven weeks later, we were living in an AirBnB in Azusa.  Four weeks later, we were in an AirBnB in Kernville, CA.  Four more weeks later, we were bouncing around Texas because we had our house rented out through June.  We moved back into our house in July, have been trying to find a routine, but honestly it has continued to be a hair pulling ride.  Did you catch that that was nowhere near the projected 9 mos?

Through all this there have been so many highs and lows, specifically spiritually.  January 2025 was probably the lowest point of our lives to date.  Things felt incredibly hopeless.  March and April 2025 were some of the best days of our lives to date.  We absolutely thrived in CA in so many ways (not in every way in retrospect, but a lot of ways).  I regularly look back on our time in CA as just some of the best of my life.  I am so so thankful for the time there.  For most of June and July, I was just baffled by why were back in Texas.  How could God take something so good from me so quickly?  I never even dreamed of CA.  He put me there.  Why did He put me there to only make me love it and pull me out?  I don't fully know the answer to that, but as time has gone on, I've gotten some better perspective.  Some.

July and August have been some of the most formative and healing months of Jimmy's life.  That's the answer I have as to why we are back.  For reasons only known to God, He has used this construction job to form Jimmy so deeply into His image in ways I never even imagined.  It's been an amazing transformation for him.  God has done a lot in Jimmy's life.  Especially January.  It was a true burning bush month for him.  But July and August have been the true deepening journey with God for him. God is so good, and I am so amazed at all He has done.  More than I imagined indeed. 

But in the midst of that, there have been some huge struggles with other areas that have been absolutely difficult for me in particular.  Trusting God in the dark moments.  Questioning how in the world is this going to work out moments.  Feeling like we are staring down the Red Sea and the Pharoah moments.  To say that I am at the end of what I can fix, what I can accomplish, what I can control is an understatement.  This is not really a situation I've been in from this context, so it's very stretching for me.  But a few weeks ago, at church I felt the Lord tell me that the only way He can show me HOW He can do all things, how HE can perform miracles, how HE alone can make a way, how HE alone can just love on me, is to have me in the position where nothing I do affects anything.  

So I am trying to embrace being completely helpless.  So God can step in and be God.  So He can save me and love me and heal me and show me His glory.  So I wait.

School Year and Jalais Hill 1867

 We are three weeks into the school year, and I have just been so enjoying it so far.  I tried some new things this year, and I think I'm going to love it.  We have settled into using Masterbooks as the core of our curriculum for the main subjects, although there tends to be some adjustments tweaked along the way.  That probably would be true no matter what.  I've always appreciated the way Masterbooks keeps everything simple and in manageable portions.  Sometimes I just need to add in extra practice or games.

I have always sort of jumped around with using Masterbooks, Good and the Beautiful, and a variety of library books for science and history.  I love the textbooks we have, but my kids always enjoy the deep dive history and science units (mainly from Good and Beautiful) as well.  Last year, I discovered Generations Taking the World for Jesus series, which is essentially history through the eyes of gospel advancement, so we use those for various units as well.  On a typical month, we rotate through the Masterbooks core workbooks and one deep dive unit.  I don't always finish the textbooks within the school year, but we for sure have done over 180 days of study in the general subject areas. 

Avie age 9

What is making this year different though, is that I am focused mostly on notebooking through the subjects instead of worksheets combined with using amblesideonline.org for various Charlotte Mason components.  I started with the literary resources for 1st grade from ambleside, but I am doing them as a group with my kids.  We just kind of loop through what we can- I have no expectation of finishing all their activities within the year.  I love that homeschooling allows us to just go as we go, especially with the extra things.  We always finish math and language for the year, but everything else we just plug along knowing we Are doing that much learning.  Just never in the same continuous resource.

Lily, age 5

I have just been delighted though with the bits of notebooking we have done.  It is just precious!  It holds all their copywork, which can be anything from a line from Aesop to our hymn lyric.  So many sweet little drawings in these notebooks, and we are only 3 weeks in!  But the most touching for me thus far happened this week- we are currently studying Camille Pissarro's work via the ambleside suggestion.  The first picture we studied of his was Jalais Hill, Pontoise, 1867.  I had each child try to draw the painting as they see it in their notebooks.  It is amazing to me how each child focused on different parts, but all saw the same painting.  I love how it is accessible to all 3 children who are 5, 6, and 9 currently.  It was one of those moments where you glimpse the good and beautiful foundations being laid and you are so thankful that you get to be here in this moment with these precious children.  So thankful that our days are spent together.  Not every moment together is sweet.  But the moments that are that sweet, are treasures forever.  Thank you Jesus!

Will, age 6

On Sundays

 I recently read that sometimes you need to just schedule time to create, show up at that time, and see what happens.  I have waited around for the last decade seeing if inspiration would show up, and between the last 10 years of pregnancy, diapers, coloring outside the lines, homeschooling *shockingly* that inspiration never came or I was too tired to acknowledge it.

So I am starting a new thing- Blogging on Sundays.  Maybe I will be inspired.  Maybe I won't.  But I am going to try to show up anyway.  I probably won't post many of these "officially" on fb which is the only social media platform I even attempt to use anymore, but it's fine.  I'm showing up.  For nothing else but to continue doing something I used to love.

I recently posted about how I thought I changed a lot more than I have over the years.  And going to California taught me I was really just the old me with a Texas coating.  Like an old house and you find out it has some really vintage wallpaper behind the paint.  I still don't have any idea what that means for life when you live where you live.  But at least I can admit it to myself now.

I've been mourning the loss of what was, acknowledging what is, and trying to find out what my place is in its midst.  California was a spiritual awakening for me.  I was so undistracted for the first time, probably in a decade, that I heard God so much more clearly than I had in certain ways.  I saw so many hearts on fire for Jesus from so many different walks of life, viewing certain verses somewhat differently than I do, yet The Spirit was still there in our midst.  It was a powerful lesson on the importance of looking for where the Spirit is for there is where Life and Truth are.  And not looking at the rules people follow.  That's not necessarily where the Spirit is.  (To be fair there Are some very real important truths that require true faith, but most of what we major on are not those important truths.)  The Lord really shattered my perspective, shifted my values, and upended my own Christian posts.  I have to confess that I valued some things more than I needed.  

The tricky part to both of these facets- both realizing I am still a New Orleans girl living in Texas and that I am more interested in where the Spirit is moving than I am in doctrinal nuances- is that coming home feels confusing.  What do I even do with myself now that I am back home?  To everyone around me I look the same more or less, but I'm just not.  My entire way of viewing the world has really shifted.  

One thing I did learn very deeply through California due to just the lack of uniform living situations is "Be Here Now".  And this statement is profound in the manner of ways it can be applied.  But one way is that I have learned I don't actually have to understand today how I fit back into the world around me. Being here now lets me wait until God shows me what to do next.  If He hasn't shown me something to do, it's not really in my control anyway, so just be here now.  Be who I am, but be it here, now.

So for now this looks like acknowledging that our family schedule changed, so we go to a different church on Sundays because it better fits the kids schedule, we get to go with Jude, etc.  It means we go to our regular church on Wednesday because that still works for our schedule.  And it doens't have to look pretty or make sense yet.  It will in time.

Today its early-mid August and we are going to rest and go to work and do school and celebrate Lily Fay's birthday and just generally live life as authentically as we can while we are here now.

Becoming who I was to begin with

 

They say life is a journey and 2025 has had me walking that out quite literally.  In February, we found out Jimmy had the opportunity to go be part of a team working on the LA fires.  It was rumored to take up to 9 months, although it ended up only being 5.  Going into it, we knew it would be a great experience for the kids.  But I didn't expect it to totally reorient me so completely.  Journeys change you certainly.  But in the wandering, suddenly I was able to see things so much more clearly.  

This has shown up in so many surprising ways.  The most unusual was realizing how much NOLA still resides deep in me.  I've been in Texas now for 23 years.  New Orleans hasn't been at the forefront of my mind since grieving for my friends during Katrina really.  And yet LA felt like home in ways I didn't realize I had missed so much.  I forgot how wonderful diversity everywhere you look is.  I forgot how I feel so much more at ease with a variety of cultures.  It feels like home- because I didn't grow up in a monotone world.  The lightness and freeness and happiness that bubbled up in me just surprised me.  I had no idea how that was just lying dormant in me.  

I had forgotten how much I just like to take it slow.  LA is so easy going and relaxed.  I forgot how nice it is to live without any real plan, any real schedule, any real concern.  Growing up in New Orleans, this was absolutely the mentality.  Life just meandered its way through the day like a slow going bayou.  I have been living 23 years cranking out schedules that make me grumpy in mimicry of a world I didn't really grow up in.  And I had just completely forgotten who I once was.  But in LA I met myself again.

Jimmy and I joked often about "be here now" and its become a bit of a family tag line for us.  How did I live in a hotel room with 3 kids for 7 weeks- I chose be here now.  How did I regroup when all our clothes got stolen (after crying)- be here now.  It became a looking at what is- and not what isn't.  Be Here Now is so freeing.  I don't know anything about my future.  To this day we are still walking through a whole lot of questions.  But I can be here today.  I have a house today, food today, tasks to accomplish today.  Tomorrow will be here when it gets here.  New Orleans taught me to enjoy today.  I can dance to a song I love right here now.  I can eat a delicious meal right here now.  I can laugh with a friend or a stranger right here now.  And California reminded me so much of those truths I had long forgotten in the midst of 80mph speed limits and mega lanes of traffic and hyper scheduled activities.

It's funny to me that of all the things I learned when I went away, the biggest was Remember who you were.  Take off these heavy articles of clothing that never fit who you were.  Be here now. 

On Loving Your Weaker Brother (or sister)

Recently I have been reflecting on the state of the modern church. That’s a loaded statement because there is just So much to say on that topic. However I have been specifically thinking on the trend changes in drinking I have seen in my lifetime. 

As a kid growing up in the 90s in evangelical circles, alcohol was considered completely forbidden.  As a teen, this didn’t make sense to me because it is clear the Bible never said that.  It was Pharisaical to me to create an extreme rule where one didn’t exist.  Christianity tends to operate between poles of antinomianism and legalism.  This was the legalistic pole.

As I went on to college in the early 2000s the trend shifted.  I found myself in evangelical circles where people would have A drink casually with friends.  This was the beginning of the craft beer trend, so emphasis seemed more on appreciation.  This was the time of CS Lewis discussions and truly enjoying a drink with friends.  This was a beautiful and freeing thing for me to see.  

But sometime starting in 2015 (ish) the trend has drifted to “cool Christian’s” drinking at any time of the day, and not just this well crafted beer, but liquor.  Liquor at all times of the day while our children are running around.  It’s not about enjoyment of Gods gifts but about total consumption.  The trend has shifted to flaunting and relishing our freedom.  This is beginning to border on antinomianism.  

At first I just noticed this from a curiosity perspective, but as I have begun to see the effect of this on a handful of friends, I just wanted to raise a call to Christian Charity that I think is lacking.

NOT EVERY CHRISTIAN CAN HANDLE THIS FLAMBOYANT DRINKING LIFESTYLE 

At this point in my late 30s, I know people who actually struggle with alcohol.  They struggle with turning down the drink.  They struggle with not turning one drink in to many drinks.  I Know these people are in our churches. And I’ve heard how hard it is to be invited to hang out with Christian brothers and sisters when they Know there will be alcohol there.  This becomes increasingly difficult because liquor has become so common too.  

Guys we have got to start using our freedom wisely.  Not everyone you meet at church has the same story and can hang the same way.  Paul made it very clear that our freedom in Christ should never become a stumbling block for a fellow believer.  I am just asking all Christians to really consider how and with whom they drink.  Don’t drink with Christian’s when you don’t know their life story or past relationship with alcohol.  It is so hard for those who struggle with this to find themselves in these situations.  For the sake of Charity, be careful who you drink with.

 

A Tree Beside the Water

(She) is like a tree planted beside streams of water

that bears its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither... Psalm 1:2-3

Beginning in January 2015, I began a long term struggle with The Lord in understanding the word Rest.  Initially I chose it as the word for my year, but as time has gone on, The Lord really didn't let me choose a new word for 2016.  The lessons of rest needed to continue. 

Rest for me has become a bit of an iceberg term.  Originally I truly just wanted to rest in a fully physical sense.  I was quite literally over tired.  Within a few short months, it became clear to me that Rest was ultimately a state of the soul.  I was amazed at the bible verses the Lord would bring me to during quiet times or sermons throughout the week.  "I am the vine, you are the branches... abide (rest) in my love...) or "be still (rest) and know that I am God...  The above verse I found recently when I was just seeking direction for this current stage of life.  And again, ultimately the tree just rests next to the stream.  It doesn't do anything.  It just stands there- its the stream that feeds it, the Sun that sustains it.  But the tree itself, just rests. 

For years, I have looked at my relationship with God as a to do list.  I need to follow these rules, I need to like these things, I need to have a resume of all these activities or be a part of these social justice movements.  But for me, those things cause anxiety.  I can't be that person without being tired.  And when I'm tired I'm the person I don't want to be.  As I started to realize that my anxiety was greatly triggered by to do lists of all kinds, I began to cut back. 

Originally this was by working part time, then staying home full time.  As time has gone on though, I realize that even without work, the idol of "do and accomplish all the things" still creeps back in.  I should homeschool, I should plan activities for Avonlea, I should put Jude in multiple activities, I should have a perfectly clean house, I should, I should, I should.

The clean house is what really gets to me.  It is such an idol in my life.  And the worst part is that when I idolize a clean house, I am way to quick to be annoyed or resentful to the less clean folk I live with.  "What good is it to gain the whole world [clean house] yet forfeit my soul [family]."  I'm learning- and by learning meaning I am deep in the trenches with this- that I need to let the darn house go.  I need to play more and nag less.  And ultimately this comes down to - Rest.  I need to rest when there are crumbs and rest when there are dishes but little people are dying to be played with.  Obviously you can't rest from these things all the time.  But the pursuit of perfection in visible things doesn't bring about godliness in my life. 

I find I am most holy, Christ like, and soul content, when I am resting in God's love knowing He loves me for who I am right now.  And I am resting with my family and enjoying their giggles and pouring into them.  Not in pinterest perfect ways.  Just messy, sticky, legos all over the floor ways. 

Rest is the state my soul was called to be in.  Meditative.  Abiding.  Still.  Not striving.  Content.  Peaceful.  Simple.  These are the places I know Christ is.  And I sense He is most apparent in me when I am seeking these things as well. 

When I think about it, I realize that this is a state of thanksgiving.  I am quiet enough to hear him, still enough to see him, and I can't help but notice how loved I am and how good He is.  And those are the moments the 'world' fades away.  And I am free.

So while I still have an awfully long way to go, I am so thankful the Lord continues to daily lead me to still waters, that He still daily takes me back to I want to rest Ashley.  There are no sweeter words than Him inviting my soul to rest. 

June Reflections

Oh sweet sweet summertime.  To be honest, I really doubted my ability to make it to this point.  Every Sunday night the past few months, I would cry and tell Jimmy I just didn't know if I would be able to make it to June and how can 30...20...10...
5 days seem like an eternity?  It was so hard for me to just show up each day.  Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is show up, and that was definitely how it was for me.  I'm beyond thankful that The Lord carried me through that.  And I'm so thankful to be officially a "stay at home mom".  Well sort of- The Lord faithfully provided me a part time job which met all of my three requirements.  1- I am working 20 hours a week.  2- I will be able to more or less make enough to cover my mortgage payment.  and 3- I don't have to prepare anything outside of work hours.  I can just show up.  Hallelujah.  The Lord has been truly faithful.  When I look back over the last year, all I know is that I was broken, but God was faithful.  I'm thinking this summer will be a time of great healing, rest, and reflection.  Here's my reflections thus far:

Am I thankful for my life and how I'm living it?  Here's what I've noticed in my one week of summer.  When I am not working, I am a better mom!  A happier mom.  A more patient mom.  A more involved mom.  I cannot express how thankful I am for this time right now.  I get to be the person I so desperately wanted to be all year, but just didn't have the energy to be.  More than anything, I love being a wife and a mom.  I love that I can give these people priority.  And I love the way I feel fulfilled when doing those things.  It's amazing how much easier your personhood flows when you are living within the role you know you were designed to fill.  So I am so very thankful right now.  Thankful to not be stretched so thin.  Thankful that my everyday actions can center on serving God through serving the two people he has entrusted to me.

What have I tried this month?  Over the past month, Jimmy and I went to a concert.  When we were first dating, we did a lot more concerts.  Actually our first real date was to a concert.  We have celebrated anniversaries and birthdays at concerts.  There is just something about concerts that makes me feel like 'us'.  That is a priceless feeling.  Life takes precedence as you grow up, but those moments that allow you to just be yourself without the millions of other roles clouding your vision are wonderful. 
That being said- it's summer and we need adventure!  We had wanted to go camping in Oklahoma during May one weekend, but as you know if you watched the news any day in May, there wasn't a dry day in Texas or Oklahoma it seemed.  I'm not sure what we will do this summer, but I am dreaming of something simple but memorable.

What am I doing to get out of my routine?  Summer is the perfect time to get out of routines, and I love that about it.  I feel like the teacher side of me is fairly 'Type A'.  I am a mostly organized person.  I do better and accomplish more when I have a plan and a checklist.  However, summer is the time I try to let my brain rest.  I don't plan more than a couple days in advance.  I try not to make schedules or to do lists.  Right now Jude has swim lessons, and a part of me dies inside at 4:30 because I have to make a plan to go somewhere :)  That being said, this summer I have joined a bible study, and I am loving it.  I love that it is over the book of John- not a resource book.  Just using only the Bible and answering the same 4 questions over each chapter.  It's only met twice, but both times have been so encouraging.  I'm so thankful to get to spend the time with some old friends as well as get to know new people.  John is such a great book, and being reminded about how Jesus can do what no one else can do in my life has already been so healing.  I'm really looking forward to not being so overwhelmed so I can allow God to work!

Also getting out of my routine is my yearly 'dye my hair a crazy color'.  I've been doing this during the summer for years.  Just a small piece of rebellion against the 'professionalism' of teaching.  I didn't get to do it last summer because I got married.  While I love my pink/purple/blue/green/whatever hair styles, I didn't think that was what I wanted in my wedding pictures :)  Excited to go all over baby coral/pink though today!

What have I learned about God this month?  He is faithful.  I don't know how He did it.  I don't know how I survived this year.  And the surviving I did does not negate the severe bruising and brokenness that came in the midst of survival.  I look back over this year and it is just a blur of tears.  But The Lord got me through to the other side.  I just didn't see how I was going to make.  Even the last week of school I wanted to call in every single day.  But I made it.  Definitely not of my own power, but solely because the Lord is faithful.
He was also faithful to provide exactly what I needed.  If you go back and read my May Reflection, you will notice so much confusion and unanswered questions.  The Lord was faithful to answer so many of those.  I know who I am right now.  I know what I will be doing next year.  He was faithful to provide exactly what I needed job wise- the perfect number of hours, the perfect role, perfectly in the middle of Judes school day, so I can take him to school and pick him up.  And as is so true of God, he provides the lagniappe- or immeasurably more than I imagined.  I will get to be working at the same place as two of the ladies from my community group.  He doesn't have to provide these extra blessings, but He is so loving and good, that He always does.

What brokenness is holding me back?  To be honest, compared to the brokenness that held me back this year, I feel amazing.  That being said, I think there is a lot of healing that needs to be done in my heart.  This year truly broke my heart.  I had people assume the worst of me, pick apart every little thing I did looking for fault, and just question me within a context I absolutely loved.  I felt kind of like Prometheus doomed to wake up each day with birds eating my flesh while I was chained to a mountain.  Gross analogy I know, but I felt continually kicked down.  I would start to pull myself up only be kicked straight down again.  So while I don't feel broken in the same way.  Or maybe just am not afraid of what is seeking my destruction around the corner now that it is summer.  But I know I need time to heal.  I know The Lord will be faithful in that healing.  But I need the time to heal.  Thankful to know that I have that time.

What do I want less of?  STUFF.  We are currently trying to get rid of as much stuff as possible.  We have a great little house, but unfortunately it has little storage.  So we are trying to get rid of as much as possible.  It's amazing how you can get rid of so much, yet you turn around and still have copious amounts of just stuff.  Regardless, we want to learn to live on less, but also learn to live with less.  Americans are so busy and our lives are so full of stuff.  So little of it is necessary.  So little of it enhances are life by any large amount.  I want to learn to live more simply with what I have. 

What do I want more of?  Living.  I don't want to spend my summer wasting the minutes.  I want to live it to the fullest.  Spend the time invested in Jude's life and Jimmy's life.  Spend the time invested in enjoying my mom while she's in town.  Spend the time invested in hanging out with my sister and Camden while we have the time.  Jude is growing up so fast.  Having taught for so many years, I have seen the blur that is childhood once you enter school.  It seems like in no time the kids I saw in kinder are heading off to middle school.  I feel like I need to savor the moments with him this summer because he is at the end of my time with him being 'little'.  This breaks my heart, but as much as I can, I want it to spur me on to invest in him deeply.  So thankful for him.